Friday, December 20, 2002

self destruction is the only sanctification
you can build yourself up all you want, but its all bullshit. its not until you tear yourself apart that you can get true clarity. sometimes the worst thing you can do to yourself is drive home alone in a warm car in utter silence. it gives you too much time to think about how you're fucking it all up. it gives you too much time to think about all the ways you already have. everyone tells the same stories, everyone lives the same dramas ... what makes anyone think they, individually, are so special? what makes anyone think they're different? sure, everyone deals with stuff in their own way, but the underlying causes are all the same. loss, heartbreak, growing up, moving on, the past, the future, money, friendhip, losing all the things you were led to believe you should just take for granted. and everyone has their story for every single category. so why the fuck does one feel at liberty to just let this stuff fuck them all up? it happens to everyone. so what makes it meaningful enough that i give a shit that it happens to me? nothing. and thats the worst part. i hate to compare life to a movie (or a book), but fight club really does have all the answers. "we've all been raised to think we're going to be millionaires and rock stars and movie gods .... but we're not. and we're all starting to realize that fact and we're pretty pissed off about it." i'm not unhappy, i'm disenchanted. nothing is going to be good enough and nothing is going to make me "happy" because all the god given truths and inherent ideologies that i've been raised to believe in have turned out to be bullshit. in the end you have only you. eventually we all grow up and realize that no one cares. all of us are adrift.

so that was rambling and only partially coherent. oh well.