Monday, November 10, 2003

birthday highlights
so, the following requires knowing the people involved to really attain its entire level of funniness .... BUT yesterday was my birthday; here are a few for the highlight reel:

1) I found out that Bill Baker and Dave Larson are running a gambling ring. Apparently these two figureheads of the straight edge community are using their sobriety to swindle drunks and frat boys with semi fixed poker games.

2) I went to see winged migration at the crest. that movie is unbelievable. best movie i've seen in ages. utterly brilliant.

i realize this isn't much of a highlight, but it does set up the next few things i'm about to mention. if you've never been to the crest before, its an old movie theatre in the suburbs that plays movies that are out of the regular movie theaters already, but aren't quite on video yet. it only costs 3 bucks to go, and the kinds of people that go there are amazing. there's a bingo hall across the street. you can imagine. its senior citizens, middle aged gay guys and weird trashy white people galore. anyway, moving on

3) Bill Baker flipped off and cursed at an old handicapped woman.

we were pulling up to the theater, the car in front of us stopped in the middle of the road, so obviously, adam honked and profanities were muttered, then a foot popped out the door of the car in front of us, then a cane, then another foot. then Mrs.. Hobbly Watson natters out of the car, bill gives her the finger and shouts some string of profanities. this is especially hilarious because bill baker is the kind of guy who old ladies and handicapped people probably find very intimidating.

4) Adam Paysse accosted and old woman.

after the bill finished yelling at the crippled woman, adam decided it was his turn. so when the cane lady was sufficiently dropped off, the car she was in pulled away. now, note that the woman driving this car was probably 80 and had already done like 50 retarded-old-lady-driver style things. so, seeing as how adam has already honked at this woman, and how bill has already yelled at and flipped off her handicapped passenger, she pulls into the first parking lot she can find ... to get away from us, obviously. the only problem is that this was the parking lot adam was planning on parking in. so when the lady pulled into the entry and stopped to let adam pass and he instead followed her in and slammed on his brakes 2 feet behind her, it probably spooked her a little. if that didn't do it, the following 30 seconds when adam rolled down his window and screamed his best Full Metal Jacket war cry probably did it. i wouldn't be surprised to find out that woman went home and died later.

there was other stuff, but i cant really remember it. plus this post is way too long. so if you come away from this with anything it should be this:
1) bill and dave are bookies. they'll break your kneecaps.
2) bill and adam will threaten anyone regardless of gender, age or physical handicap

... we'll just gloss over all the tongue in cheek racial slurs and the fact that i didn't tip our waiter Juan Ricardo because i thought he was a dip shit. i'm never going back to that restaurant again anyway.