Monday, May 23, 2005

I've decided I'm totally getting Lasik. Not so much because I want to be able to see without my glasses. And not so much because I don't like wearing glasses. But mostly because I think the concept of volunteering to have lazers shot in your eyes is pretty badass. Like, you know that scene in Die Hard where Bruce Willis walks on glass barefoot? He didn't get lazers shot in his eyes now did he? No. And that's because walking on glass is what pussies do when they could be acting like badasses with white hot beams of light seering their rods and cones.

p.s. Bruce Willis is a skinny pasty ninny now. He named his kids Scout and Rumor. His wife is dating a moron who's like 4 days younger than I am. What the hell? If Ashton Kutcher was to tell Demi Moore that he liked her back when Die Hard came out, he would probably have thrown rocks at her and pulled her hair. Remember Moonlighting? Yeah, me neither. Bruce Willis was a dumb bitch back then too.

I dont really have anything against Bruce Willis. Somehow I just feel like if he never existed, we would all be spared the celebrity of Vin Diesel.

I haven't slept in a really long time.

I forgot to mention that when I was at that bar the other night there was this dude there who kept talking to me about how great the Cocaine in New York is. I was like, "What part of "I DON'T DO COKE" do you not understand?" "... "You're not hearing me though dude. I can totally get 8 balls for 140 and it's completely pure." ... "Really? I can drive nails through my balls with a hammer. Are you going to go home and do that now too? ... No? Why not? Oh, Probably because you don't drive nails through your balls with hammers. Kind of like how I DON'T DO COKE!!!!"

I don't really drive nails through my balls with hammers. That was a completely illustrative comment.

And apparently Free High-Five day causes fights in New York. Weird ... Why would anyone think to fight someone for offering a free high-five?

OH ... THAT REMINDS ME!!!! I will once again have the opportunity to test the merits of Free Hi-Five Day at Disneyland next week. Yep ... I'm going to Disneyland next Wednesday. This also means I'm taking a week off of work. In your face Washington Post Newsweek Interactive. Ok ... so none of them probably even care. But I should still be sticking it to someone with my amazing ability to go to California.

Also my good friend Doug Slayer is going to take Kc and I out for real live Mexican food made by real live Mexicans while we're there. Not like New York where all the Mexican food is made by Puerto Ricans who've never even so much as SEEN and El Camino ... Let alone ever experienced how Mexican food is really supposed to be made. I've heard lots of people talk about how "All Mexican food is, is beans, cheese, rice, and tortillas put together in different ways ... There's no way you can do that wrong." .... Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You can do DEFINITELY do it wrong. Leave it up to the East Coast. It starts with butter on rice and just goes downhill from there. Believe me.

(EDIT: It should be noted that the first time I wrote this paragraph I inadvertently spelled Doug's name as "Dough." Which is funny because I doubt Doug's name has ever been spoken in the same sentance as the word Dough for any reason, baking or otherwise.)

I should really buy an El camino.