Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Dear blogger, you are a worthless piece of shit
I already tried to post this post and blogger went to crap on me. Thanks for nothing blogger.

This is sitting in my living room right at this very moment:

you can get one for yourself right here.

Right now I have my own office, but when I finally get transferred to New York I'm going to be stuck in a cubicle. That's where I'm going to put this palm tree. I'll be the only person in the office who has a cubicle with a 7 foot neon palm tree sticking out of it. All those fools at Newsweek are going to be rapt with jealousy. They don't know what they're in for.

Why do so many Russians work in my office?

Can anyone who doesn't live in eastern europe really tell Russians apart from Ukranians ... or anyone else over there? I don't think so. It's kind of like how Norweigans and Swedes have that whole friendly rivalry thing going on, but as soon as they go where it doesn't snow all the time they're just "Scandinavian." Fair enough I guess. Canadians and Americans are pretty interchangeable too ... except with southerners. People from the south are a completely different species. An ignorant, belligerant, religious, back asswards species. Why is it that California is going to break off into the ocean? Why can't we just break off everything from New Mexico to North Carolina, from Tennessee south? We'll do our best to save Austin, Atlanta and New Orleans ... the rest can sink.

Nothing good has ever come out of Florida ... Except Lynyrd Skynyrd and Against Me! The fact that Limp Bizkit, Nsync and the Backstreet BoIz are from there cancels both of those bands out though. I think Creed is from there too.

And Scott Stapp should be caught in a bear trap and mauled by wolverines.

You should really watch Trading Spouses. It is one of the most amazing programs ever put on television. The vegan lady on the most recent installment was one of the most insane individuals I've ever seen. I was under the impression that you had to be somewhat intelligent, or enlightened, or ... something, if you were a vegan. uh ... wrong. That woman was the most intolerant, short sighted, narrow minded, uninformed, self important, loudmouthed, bitchy, idiot I have ever witnessed. And she kept her husbands testicles in a mason jar under her bed. "You're the boss, remember honey?" AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!! NEVER say that to a woman. The first man who ever uttered that phrase undoubtedly also coined the phrase, "Give them an inch, they take a mile." Because that's what women do. It's true ladies, don't lie.

Also, the husband of the other couple, his name was Diego. He looked like a cross between a professional wrestler and Fabio. Did I mention that he was retarded? yeah ... retarded. Not in a rhetorical way, but in the "My mom drank whiskey when I was a fetus" way. I dubbed him Retardio. You can put that one together yourself there Nancy Drew. His job was to slaughter alligators on the families alligator farm. I'm not making this up. Their kid was a 10 year old grifter with a rat tail mullet thing and they all wore airbrushed t-shirts. They were Cajuns. It was amazing. I never thought I would identify more with a bunch of Cajun yokels than with some activists from California. Weird. God, that woman was a bitch. The Cajun wife was a gipsy or something. She was kind of creepy in an oddly undefinable way.

The rain sucks.

Tootsie Rolls are good.

I wish Twinkies weren't fattening.

Here is a picture of my friend Bob Swift dressed up as Abraham Lincoln. I scrapped that Lincoln costume together in about 15 minutes before the last show we played. He ended up looking more like some kind of pissed leprechaun than anything else.