Monday, April 18, 2005

Spike TV
Before I begin, I must first explain that I am stealing cable. It's amazingly easy. If you've got cable internet and not cable television, you've actually got cable television, you just need to unleash it. This is easily done with one trip to radio shack and some ingenuity.

Stealing cable isn't really a smashing success. The only cable channels I get are like 40 different cspan's, 3 spanish channels, 25 Cable access channels, TBS and Spike TV. Spike TV is the only channel I watch anymore. It's the first television network for men.

So what's on this network? I'm glad you asked. Here's a list:

MXC: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. It's basically just an old Japanese game show that they've bought the rights to and overdubbed. It's funny. These people are forced to do some of the dumbest and therefore most fun to watch things ever. Usually with humiliating and hilarious consequences.

Boom!: At some point, somewhere, someone was like, "We should just make a show about blowing things up." Boom! was born. It's just a show dedicated to destroying things and blowing other things up in the most elaborate way possible. The last time I watched this show, a guy stood in front of the camera for 5 minutes while he explained how he was going to propel a toilet through the roof of a single wide trailer seconds before he blew the rest of it up.

Extreme 4x4: This is just one of quite a few shows where all they do is work on cars and trucks. This guy and this girl basically just modify trucks and then drive them around. It sounds boring, but it's actually rather entertaining. It's also on at like 2:30 on Sunday afternoon, so the only other basic cable thing that's on is golf. If Extreme 4x4 isn't your thing, try out Horsepower TV, Car and Driver Television, or, my personal favorite, the very simply named, Trucks!

Hey! Spring of Trivia: This is another overdubbed Japanese game show. I have yet to figure out if the trivia on it is real or if the whole show has just been overdubbed with jibberish. Either way ... it's a relatively entertaining way to kill half an hour.

The Ultimate Fighter: It's like that network show with Sugar Ray Leonard and Sylvester Stallone, The Contender, only the guys on this show aren't pussy boxers. They're all into mixed martial arts and are all competing for UFC contracts. Ken Shamrock gets his ass kicked in less than 3 minutes on the finale. He could still beat the crap out of me any day, so whatever.

I always save the best for last ... in this case, Carpocalypse. It's a show about a demolition derby in Florida. There's a whole bunch of backwater hicks who always compete in this same race every week. It's always amazing. There's video clips if you follow the link. This is the best thing ever put on television. This guy "Fordzilla the crowd thrilla" once decided to drive his truck through something like 10 RV's. The best conversation of the episode went like this, "So how long of a ramp you got? Like a hundred, hundred-fifty feet?" "Nah, man, the ramps probly 12 feet long, all together." "Oh ... wow ... You got a real good helmet for this?"

okthatsenough