Thursday, October 13, 2005

i catch myself talking to myself, alone, at night. but, i don't find it disturbing. in fact, i usually find my own advice pretty comforting... well, that's not even it. it's more like i feel good about being able to openly express everything that is going on in my life to somebody that will be able to completely understand, relate, and not judge me. i guess i probably have some self-confidence issues... aside from the mild schizophrenia that is manifesting in late night conversations in my head. oh, well, at least i don't yell at myself and make me cry.

maybe i should see a psychiatrist. meh. i probably wouldn't hear what he had to say, anyway... and for me to actually take someone's advice seriously, i'd have to wade through hours upon billable hours of me babbling about my childhood, parents, siblings, relationships, feelings, fears, etc etc. being healthy costs too much. guns are much cheaper in this country, and they're more acceptable to own than going to see a head doctor. in fact, a lot of times, one can hinder the other (while, the other should definitely precipitate the one... oh, well).

i haven't been able to decide if i made a huge mistake almost 5 years ago or if it was the right choice, but i just lucked into it. part of me thinks i might have ruined somebody else's life and my own. the other part thinks that i am only ruining my own by allowing the same mistake to continuously reoccur at different levels in my life. either way, i'm making bad choices. it's just one way, my choices have absolutely ruined somebody else. while, the other way, they're just ruining me.

i need to quit letting myself slide closer and closer into madness. and posting just crazy nonsense on this site. my god.