Sunday, January 25, 2004

jungle love, it's driving me mad, it's making me crazy
so last night ... after years of waiting ... i FINALLY saw 3-D porn. it was the most amazing thing i have ever seen in my life. the movie: hard candy. it starred a bunch of chubby women and a bunch of curly haired, mustachioed men. the movie was made in 1976 after all. i believe a more apt name for it would have been "shaved balls for hairy boxes." it was the most bizarre thing ever. all the women looked like they were riding around on ewoks and all the men had completely shorn nuts with huge bushels of short-'n-curlies above the love rocket. why the men were supplied with razors and the women weren't is a mystery that will probably never be solved.

now .... john holmes. i have never actually seen a john holmes film before and, if you havent either, you probably should. john holmes is a legend for a very good reason. his 'below-the-belt' region looks like 2 coke cans glued together and covered in skin. he was only in one scene though ... at least i think so. all the other men in the movie seemed to be trying their best to look like him though. one of them just ended up looking like will ferrel ... uh ... awesome?!

ok so i've talked way too much about the naked aspects of this movie, but in reality the 'pornography' only encompasses about 30% of it. the rest of it is horribly executed comedy, which just makes it all the more funny. there's a guy who looks like john belushi walking around smoking a cigar dressed in a bunny suit for the whole movie. basically this movie is brilliant. i dont care what any dumb imdb review says.

oh yeah, and dave larson, there is no girl who gets drowned in a bowl of soup. you were so freaking wrong.

... and thats it. i'm still sick. damn.